That was the last thing Mom said to me in her room at my home… “I’d rather not”…
There were a million reasons PLUS ONE that she couldn’t stay in MT. She had improved during their visit, so the decision was made to take her back home to IL where she lived with my brother and sister. As we said goodbye, I told her she was going for a drive and to enjoy watching the river (her dementia was truly a blessing in that it didn’t let her know what was going on outside of the now). Sent them off with some gummies for her that had ginger (for motion sickness), CBD and lavender (to keep her calm and sedated). I was told she was quite happy with them and rested for the entire journey.
One of her dying wishes was to be surrounded by her children but not at a hospital. She loved the climate in IL and enjoyed special treats from two of my siblings who were able to be with her 24/7. My husband and I got to be by her bedside a month or so later with my brother and sister, holding her hand as she took her last breath. Grandchildren and great-grandchildren were there within a week of her passing… PEACEFUL and surrounded by LOVE.
Yet I still feel REGRET. So, my question is this, “why do we do this to ourselves?”
REGRET/FAILURE WAS NOT THE LESSON OF HER PASSING!!
My body at the mere sharing of this experience is coursing with survival hormones. A snapshot permanently etched into my reality because of the emotion (or trauma response) linked to it. THERE ARE MANY of us reading this that respond to life in this manner!! We don’t want to feel this or that every time a memory comes back, so HOW DOES ONE CHANGE mental images into ones etched with love, forgiveness, wholesome thought? (((WE ARE, after all, WHAT WE THINK)))
(((SIT WITH THE EMOTION AND ASK YOURSELF WHAT WAS INTENDED))) Have a conversation with it as if you were helping a beloved friend. In my case I was passionate about making sure my mother was comfortable and “happy.” INTENTIONS… #1 = NOBODY is ever responsible for another person’s emotional state. “Happy” is another feeling and henceforth a very personal choice. #2 = behind the regrets are thoughts of failure that I do not accept. Rather, I choose to perceive it a learning experience and FORGIVE MYSELF. How many of us go through life afraid to embrace experience because we cannot let times, when all was not well, go?
Currently I am reading “The Power of Intention” by Dr. Wayne Dyer. (((HIGHLY RECOMMEND))) it and also have intentions of sharing more thoughts of his work in this blog. Since we now have a decompression space at Stay Golden Sun Spa, all are welcome to come in while I am there and share thoughts about this book (and others that have been discussed my blogs). With so much force-fed fear in today’s media, this will be a much needed gathering of alternative thought patterns and healing… (((I’D RATHER DO THAT))) instead of regret, wouldn’t you?
(((MOM WOULD HAVE TOO)))